Monday, October 29, 2012

The fight

Gosh this is hard.  I feel like everyday I realize more and more how different my life will be because of what Levi has gone through in this battle.  Just two days ago it dawned on me that Levi is disabled.  Yes, of course I have a wonderfully handy handicap parking placard for him, but it finally struck me that he is actually physically disabled.  And yes, I go to one physical and occupational therapy session after another, but I just didn't get it.  Or want to get it. I recall that after we got discharged from the hospital, I still fully expected Levi to be 100% back to normal, with lots of work of course.  I kept asking his doctors and therapist questions that I only wanted one answer for.  I wanted to hear that yes, of course he would continue to improve and he would be the child you used to have.  I never got those answers I wanted, I got vague hopeful answers but never the answer that I wanted for Levi.  So now, sometimes late at night, when I should be in bed, I look back at those pictures I have of Levi "before" all this.  I look at his hands and feet and his eye and I miss them.  I study them, like they were a loved one that has died.  I wonder to myself if it will always hurt this much to look at these pictures of how Levi once was.  I miss the child that he was, that I wanted to have.  I miss the life that we had.  Trying to balance the fight to continue to heal and recover verses letting go and moving forward is an act I have not yet mastered.  Instead, I fight with Levi and the rest of the family fights too as we all have to keep moving forward, no matter what the outcome is.


  1. love you Kara, and the Ryska family. I cant imagine saying any of those words came easy, but thank you for your honesty. You are doing such an amazing job loving each and everyone one of your family members. What a journey you are on. Just remember you are not on this journey alone, God is walking besides you, sometimes carrying you if you need him to, the whole way! What an amazing son Levi is and always will be as he grows into the little man God has him becoming:) love you.

  2. I second what Jessica said...gosh Kara, I know I have no idea how hard it is to do what you do every day and to face the unknown and to try to find the balance between letting go and moving forward. Thank you for sharing this. I know it's probably not easy opening up but I'm so glad you did. Your family is so strong and resilient. I love what Dan said in the previous post about this whole thing drawing you all closer together instead of pushing you apart and that is certainly a blessing. I love sweet Levi and his resilience through this all as well. He has such a sweet nature. Keep up the amazing job you are doing Kara. I know your days can be long and hard and overwhelming, but I hope you know you are an amazing mom and wife and your family is very lucky to have you! Love you!

  3. i love you, kara. thanks for sharing so honestly and openly. you aren't alone in all this. we are your family and friends and we will walk with you through all the seasons. i love your beautiful children and i think you are an amazing mom. love you.