Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Breaking Point

Today, Kade woke up and realized he was destined for another day of going to grandma's while Dan went to work and I (Kara) stayed at the hospital, after deep contemplation he expressed that he was trying to think of a way for his dad to stop calling grandma. Meaning that he didn't want to do the "routine" today. Buddy, I totally get it. We all want to stop, we are all tired. We've been at this for over 7 weeks. But, as far away as it still seems after a day like today, we are so close. So close to being home together again.

Tonight, I am wondering about how life is going to be when we are all home together. Am I going to be able to do this? I am bringing home a whole new Levi. A Levi that is much more demanding and that is used to 24/7 one on one attention and that is a 2 year old in a huge 9 month old's body. And I bring him home to a 4 year old that is starved for attention and has regressed behaviorally with the trauma of the last 2 months. Hmm, this should be interesting. I have to admit, I am kinda fearful as to if I will be able to handle it. Not just handle it, I want to do well, I want to lead my boys back into a secure "normal" childhood with a mom that supports and understands them and doesn't loose her patience with them. All the while trying to be a supportive wife for Dan in his new career that has had to take a side-seat to supporting his family.

On a lighter note, Levi has been recovering like a champ and can walk (with his braces) with just the support of his finger. He continues to amaze (and charm) all of his therapists and everybody he meets for that matter. It's fun to see the relationship that he has built with each of them and to see his personality bloom each day.

Photo from above is him standing in his braces with one of his therapists. For braces, I'd have to say they look pretty cool. I may not have fashion sense for myself, but when it comes to my son's orthotics, boo-ya.

Good night, I am so thankful for new days and for ending this one.



  1. i can imagine that looking into your future seems challenging. you didn't even mention that you are pregnant too! oh kara, you get through this the way you have gotten through the last 7 weeks... continual dependence on Christ. you never imaged you could get through the last 7 weeks, but, day by day, you have. and as He has carried you, He will continue to carry you. praying for you, friend. love. anjuli

  2. The thought occurred to me, that this is real life. Struggles, challenges, setbacks, worry, and discouragement, mixed with incremental times when growth, and progress, and periodic success compels us to expect a better day. I guess it's God way of teaching us to live in faith, daily, and not to worry about tomorrow, but to trust.

    This is the single hardest lesson we have to learn. Levi's story has helped me realize that we have no better choice than to live by faith in the present and not look too far out into the future. It seems apparent that we control nothing!

    On the other hand, Levi is starting to walk, he smiles, he is eating and holding down his food. His right eye has opened, his personality has started to return to baseline, and the biggest most obvious wonderful improvement, from my perspective, is that his mother and father are again expressing similar frustrations and levels of overwhelming fatigue that most parents of young children describe.

    Try to rest up for the teenage years. Congratulations on the wonderful progress Levi has shown!

  3. Kara,
    My heart aches for you. How exhausting and frustrating this is. It reminds me of how difficult it is to not be in control - like mothers like to be - to have to rely on what God controls an not ourselves, and to possibly not be able to give our kids everything they "want". As a childrens therapist, I have to say that even though Kade is desiring something else - maybe his previous routine - it is so important that he has one, with people he loves. You are not sending him to a daycare, but to his grandmothers, who loves him so much - routine is THE MOST important thing for a child when everything else is askew. If you are not already doing it and it is possible, consider having Kade go to see a play therapist - maybe grandma can take him during the day. I've seen that kids who are sharing their parents attention, and seeing how much his little brother is getting, can thrive with the idea that they have their own "therapy" to go to- their own space.... It can be a huge outlet for him and an extra positive. I'm sure Childrens has resources for you, but if you need me to find a referral for a play therapist, let me know.
    I love how you are allowing the vulnerability out and allowing others to hear your cry and therefore, be able to pray specifically for you.
    I know I am far away, but I'd be happy to come help if you need me.
    So excited to see all the progress that little man is making. Just know that Kade will be okay. You are an absolutely amazing mother!! And Dan an amazing dad. Just for laughs, I have a friend that says during hard mothering times - "hey, if a crack mom can raise a kid, so can I".
    love to you.

  4. Definitely still praying for your whole family! I will pray the transition home is smooth and for your sanity. So happy to hear the news of Levi walking!!! Love, Andrea Cox

  5. Praying for you as you approach getting back to "normalcy". Will pray for wisdom, peace, patience, joy, and rest as you navigate being a pregnant mama in this new situation at home. "May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." Romans 15:8